I just don't know what to think. I couldn't tell them before because of the looks I would get, and I'm dreading Monday morning when I walk in. I don't know how they'll react. I don't know if they'll hug me tight like they did last night and tell me everything will be ok, like they did last night, that they'll tekk me they will be here for me, like they did last night. Or if they'll pretend it never happened. If we all pretend that I had never said anything, and it was like how it was before. And I don't know which one I want. I don't want smothering, I don't want any of that. But it feels like a small weight has been lifted off me now, now that I've told my closest friends how much I pretend to be happy.
But a whole new feeling has taken control now. Guilt. Although I know that when I told Her how I felt, I meant to make her feel bad, to feel as low as I did. I was supposed to feel happy when She cried. I didn't. I felt the opposite. I don't regret it in the sense that I will put it all behind me and be her friend again. But I think I'll learn to tolerate Her again, and maybe I might even begin to like Her again.
Even though I feel a weight has been lifted, I'm more confused than ever.