becks89 (becks89) wrote,
becks89
becks89

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the prequel

I went out last night, to a karaoke bar. I got very drunk. And then everything came tumbling out. I couldn't stop it, it was like water being freed from a dam, I didn't stop until everything had gotten free. I told Her how much i hated Her, I told Her how I never wanted to talk to Her again and that I never wanted to see Her again. Then she cried. And although I don't want to admit it, I felt bad. One of my closest friends, who is also very close with Her came up to me after and told me off and asked me why I did it, but by that time I was already crying, breaking down and confessing to all my friends how I've been feeling, and why I hate Her so much. Everything came out. I told them how I've been so depressed and how I self-harmed, I told them everything. Almost all of them know now.

I just don't know what to think. I couldn't tell them before because of the looks I would get, and I'm dreading Monday morning when I walk in. I don't know how they'll react. I don't know if they'll hug me tight like they did last night and tell me everything will be ok, like they did last night, that they'll tekk me they will be here for me, like they did last night. Or if they'll pretend it never happened. If we all pretend that I had never said anything, and it was like how it was before. And I don't know which one I want. I don't want smothering, I don't want any of that. But it feels like a small weight has been lifted off me now, now that I've told my closest friends how much I pretend to be happy.

But a whole new feeling has taken control now. Guilt. Although I know that when I told Her how I felt, I meant to make her feel bad, to feel as low as I did. I was supposed to feel happy when She cried. I didn't. I felt the opposite. I don't regret it in the sense that I will put it all behind me and be her friend again. But I think I'll learn to tolerate Her again, and maybe I might even begin to like Her again.

Even though I feel a weight has been lifted, I'm more confused than ever.
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